RESPECT

I started blogging in 2005.
Here is one of my first articles:

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Years ago I heard about a master who decided to have his slave crawl into the local leather bar behind him on a leash. As they entered the room, someone bent over and gave the slave a swat on his ass. The man immediately stood up, and hit the offender, then got back down on all fours and proceeded to follow his master. (The slave had been told to defend himself, when necessary).

I don’t know if that’s a true story, however there is truth in it. The following story actually happened: I was attending a party as a collared slave and was in the men’s restroom. For some reason there were no paper towels and some guy asked me if he could wipe his hands on my shirt. Fortunately I had been trained enough to know how to respond: I told him he would have to ask my master. I didn’t see the guy again.

Women have to deal with sexual harassment even more than men and this can seem more complicated with a leather lifestyle. Some people use dominance as an excuse for touching and talking to others in ways that are offensive and invasive. Those dominants who are truly respected in our community are those who treat others with true respect.

Less experienced people sometimes do not realize that the roles we play with each other do not necessarily extend to them as well. In other words, submissives choose to whom they will surrender, and to whom they will not. Yes, there are slaves who are deferential to everyone, but this is usually because of an understanding between them and their masters. Instead of treating all slaves as inferior, it may be better to consider them as willing volunteers who wish to honor those whom they serve.

Submissives can sometimes have similar challenges. For years I was incredibly nervous whenever I was in the presence of dominants, even though they really had no power over me. The lines between imagination and reality can blur, especially when there’s a lot of leather nearby!

There was one particular dominant I really wanted to know better, but I could never think of anything more profound than “Yes, Ma’am”, which was very frustrating. Finally one evening I decided not to worry about it anymore; instead I would just relate to her as normal person. We enjoyed a delightful conversation!

Most Americans want to be treated with respect no matter what our social, spiritual, economic, or political preferences are. This is also true within the leather community. Regardless of our lifestyle, whether we choose to enjoy some stylized form of high protocol with people we know or whether we prefer to socialize in more informal ways, we have all made consensual choices, and deserve to be equally respected for our courage, our strength, and our powerful passions!

Languages

The language is leather. The language is surrender or dominance. The language may be fetish or protocol or bondage or pain. We have many languages and yet most of us are wanting the similar experiences with each other: love, pleasure, sustenance.

People in the BDSM lifestyle may think of themselves as being apart from vanilla relationships. We often speak and dress and behave differently, and yet it is only our language, not our spirit. Most people hope to love and be loved, hope for meaning and affection with trusted companions.

Leather Rights!

In 1981, a Danish writer named Maria Marcus published a brave book entitled "A Taste for Pain". Her dedication includes the following passage:

Germaine Greer was in Cogenhagen in 1972 and a meeting was held at which she addressed and talked with Danish women. The atmosphere in the hall was highly spirited and optimistic, when suddenly a young woman cried out with desperation in her voice: "But how can we start a women's movement, when I bet three-quarters of us sitting in this room are masochists?"

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Thanks to the world wide web, more people know about S&M (and its many variations) than in past decades, although the mainstream press often continues to exploit this experience as shameful or at least shockingly sensational. Those who appreciate the positive aspects of S&M also understand the hypocrisy of the press, but can do little to allay its negative influence on people.

As Americans we live in a liberated time where sexual discrimination is against the law, however the struggle for sexual acceptance doesn't stop there. Just because S&M is more publicized does not mean that it is more accepted. Discrimination can be quite subtle. Social bias is not against the law and is very challenging to overcome.

The gay community has been much more assertive for their rights than the S&M community and have accomplished much more. Rightly so. Their courageous solidarity is admirable. While the S&M community is fairly strong within itself, our relationship with the outside world remains precarious.

It is difficult to imagine a band of masochists marching down Congress Avenue with black & blue flags shouting for submissive respect! Sensual sadists would also find it difficult to do so. And yet, how healthy it would be if leather love was affectionately accepted by society!

SERVING OTHERS

"You gotta serve somebody." - Bob Dylan

i have been privileged to serve many people in my life
whether they have been teachers, employers, friends, or
strangers. "Let me help" is one way of saying "I love you"
to paraphrase a quote from "City on the Edge of Forever".
i have also served people as a leader of social groups.
Service to others is a form of ministry. It is a natural
progression into a personal Dominant/submissive
(D/s) relationship.

i have been privileged to serve in past D/s relationships.
The duties of service included light housekeeping (dishes,
bathrooms, sweeping, taking out the trash), attending
social functions (theatre, concerts, movies, parties),
bathing, giving massages, washing the car, gardening,
going to the grocery, running errands, and serving a
s traveling companions. These duties varied according
to the individuals being served.

The feelings of pleasing Someone can include euphoria,
satisfaction, and deep contentment. Disappointing or
displeasing Someone can feel scary or sad. Being a source
of Someone's happiness is a source of my happiness.

THUNDER

It is the nature of leather communities to enjoy gatherings
known as events (or runs) - at least for the last 20 years
or so. They tend to be organized in a very standard fashion:
meeting rooms are reserved at some hotel with a space for
vendors to sell their fetish wares. Various speakers are
featured, whether local or national, and there are usually
some other activities in the evenings. That has been
my limited experience, at least.

The first event that i was invited to attend was "Living In
Leather" - a national event that was held in a different
city each year. The first event i actually attended was
"Texas Leather Pride" (TLP) back in '97 and in '98,
in Austin. i later attended South Plains in Dallas
a couple of times.

This year i made the pilgrimage to "Thunder In the Mountains"
in Denver, Colorado - one of the great events in America.
This was the 10th Thunder gathering and over 1000 people
attended. There were also many excellent speakers including
Laura Antoniou, Gloria Brame, Mark Frazier, Skip Chasey,
Midori, Larry Townsend and Cléo Dubois to name about half.
And on Friday and Saturday evenings there were 4 dungeons!
There were also parties after Thunder on Sunday evening.

Below are some of my journal notes from the presentations
i attended:

LAURA ANTONIOU talked about service. She defined
Service as Intent + Execution. It is an Attitude, a Verb,
and a Vocation. Labor is not demeaning though it
it can be demanding.

The attitude of good service means that you actually
CARE about what you're doing and it may be helpful
to remember that your service can relieve Someone's
time and energy.

You must take care of yourself so that you can take
care of others - you must have energy, sanity, and
health. Good tops may help you with this, but you
must be responsible for yourself.

Good tops provide: inspiration, direction, a reason
(even if it is only "to please them") and rewards -
whether verbal or physical. They can also provide
correction and redemption.

What service can do for those who serve: provides a
purpose, a sense of value, and it can feel good being
helpful. A good servant can be a role model for
others and can nurture a relationship.

Service is putting Someone else first - though you are
also important. Service is work and it is devotion.

GLORIA BRAME talked about ways the community has
understood itself via role models and myths. She also
talked about our current generation (ages 25 to 75),
and how our lifestyle now will set the tone for those
to come.

Vanilla is a consenual lifestyle with a prescribed way
of living and having sex, i.e. for reproduction. The
SM culture is more than ourselves. It is not just
an add-on. SM can be a role model for higher
level of commitment.

Be wary about trying to live up to a standard.
Religious standards, political standards, group
standards, etc. You don't have to define yourself
by other people's experiences. This is about being
who you are and being true to yourself.

SM is a personal experience and can be non-conformist.
It can be a life of sexual anarchy based on self-interest,
partner-interest, and mutual sex gratification.

Master SKIP CHASEY has the following understanding
of leather relationships:
1. Top & bottom - a physical relationship
2. Dominant & submissive - a mental relationship
3. Master & slave - a spiritual relationship

The focus of his discussion was on the latter. He
talked about the essential elements of a Master/slave
relationship: Trust, Obedience, and Surrender - and
how each one builds into the other.

i think he talked about how the Master directs the
slave's actions and therefore deserves the credit (or
criticism) for the results. The slave can take pride
in trying to do their best, but the result of the
slave's effort belongs to the Master.

In another presentation, he discussed the power
of fetishes; knowing what arouses a slave, a Master
can expand the slave's limits and reinforce their
devotion to obedience. These fetishes can also
enhance the Master's dominance and personal
pleasure.

* * * * *

i was fortunate to be the guest of a local dominant who
graciously introduced me to a number of her friends
at Thunder in the Mountains. The entire experience
was very enriching, energizing, and enjoyable.

QUESTIONS

Do you hear a grunting sound
of something in the night?
Perhaps a slave is snuggly bound
and groaning with delight.

Do you see the an object moving
somewhere in the dark?
A slender cane is proving
that its aim can find its mark.

Do you smell strong leather
as it holds a heat within?
A mesmerizing tether
that dominates the skin.

Do you feel all senses thrive
when our passions are alive?

RELATIONSHIP as VOCATION

People pursue many careers, many passions - many do so
without any specific plan while others pursue them
with a concerted effort. Diligence. Strategy. Goals.
What if we sought Relationships with such dedication?

Imagine creating a résumé for a Relationship position, listing
all of the skills and experiences that might qualify you for
the position you hope to secure? Attributes. Experience.
Training. References. Contact information.

Imagine applying for a Relationship for the purpose of learning
what duties would be expected, and how it would be rewarded.
Imagine the interview process - what would you say?
How would you offer yourself to another?

Imagine having a Relationship based on this understanding,
one with clear expectations and requirements, one which
would continue as long as the criteria was met, or be
terminated if one's performance was unsatisfactory?

We seek meaning in our lives. We seek expression.
We seek gainful employment and a place to live.
We seek nourishment and enjoyable experiences.
What if Relationships embodied what we seek?